All Out Of Love
by Joanne Collins
Summary: Banky's thoughts about the night Holden proposed the threesome. Takes place a few


Disclaimer: The characters and situations from the movie Chasing Amy are the property of   
Kevin Smith and View Askew Productions. The song All Out Of Love is the property of Air   
Supply and Graham Russell who wrote it. No infringement is intended, I do this out of love for   
the characters, nothing more.  
Warnings: It's Banky, it's during that year - it's angsty.  
  
Author's Notes: This was inspired by a non-View Askew movie which starred Jason Lee (Banky, among others) in which his broken-hearted character played this song. I thought it was too suited to Holden/Banky angst to resist.  
  
Thanks to Taylor for the beta *huggle*  
  
/song lyrics/  
  
All Out Of Love  
By Joanne Collins  
  
***********************************   
  
/I'm lying alone with my hand on the phone  
Thinking of you till it hurts/  
  
I wanted to do it.  
  
I've had that damn thought every minute of every hour of every day for the last few months.  
  
I wanted to say yes. I did say yes.  
  
But she said no. And I felt a sense of relief. But deep inside, I wanted to do it.  
  
Because it was the only way I'd get to be with him. I knew that. I knew it was the only way it was ever going to happen for us.  
  
And I would have gone along with it.  
  
I reach out for the phone again, resting my hand on it, wanting to dial the number. But I can't.  
  
/I know you hurt too, but what else can we do  
Tormented and torn apart/  
  
I know he's hurting too. Maybe more than I am. He lost her too. I'm not sorry she's out of his life, but I am sorry he's been hurt by it.  
  
I've been hurt too, by the whole damn mess. His managing to fall in love with a woman he can't have, only to find that he can have her, and then the rest. I don't even want to think about the rest.  
  
It was because of her that it all fell apart, but I don't blame her.   
  
Hooper told me that she went back to chicks. Doesn't surprise me. How could you want another man if you can't have the best?  
  
/I wish I could carry your smile in my heart  
For times when my life feels so low  
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring  
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know/  
  
I keep a picture of him. I don't know why. Or maybe I do, and I can't admit it.  
  
It's of him in that damn white t-shirt and jeans. His smile is big and bright and how it should be. I hope he's smiling it now.  
  
I wonder if he's found someone to take the loneliness away?  
  
Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to run into him in the street. Just walk into some store and there he'll be, some chick on his arm, and they'll turn out to be shopping for wedding presents.  
  
The way things have screwed up the last few months, it wouldn't even shock me to walk into Meow Mix one night with Hooper and find him dancing with some blonde guy.  
  
How would I react to that? I hope we never have to find out. I don't think it would be pretty.  
  
/I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you  
I know you were right believing for so long  
I'm all out of love, what am I without you  
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong/  
  
I should have said something sooner. But I was too fucking scared. I didn't want to scare him off. Guy's so damn conservative, I knew it would be a shock.  
  
If I'd known I was going to feel this lost and alone, though, I might have said something. I feel incomplete without him, more than I thought I would.  
  
But is it too late? I start to dial the number again, but three numbers in and I freeze. It's too late at night. He might answer, all husky-voiced from sleep - goddammit, I'm hard at the thought of his voice like that - but someone else might answer, and I can't take that.  
  
/I want you to come back and carry me home  
Away from these long lonely nights/  
  
I want him to find me. I want him to open the door, tell me he wants me, and take me back to the damn loft.  
  
I want him to take away the loneliness of the last few months. The nights I've cried for him, the nights I've imagined him with me, the nights I've tried to forget him in someone else's arms. They never got far enough to push him away. I suppose if I could stay hard for anyone else, maybe I'd find out if they could push him away.  
  
Yeah, I can only get hard when I think of him. And I don't think anyone else would be too thrilled if I thought about him while I was fucking them or being fucked by them. I have this weird tendency to yell his name when I come, you see. Not something you'd want to hear when the person you were fucking was coming, someone else's name.  
  
/I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too  
Does the feeling seem oh so right  
And what would you say if I called on you now  
And said that I can't hold on  
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day  
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone/  
  
There's the other thing, too. What if he doesn't feel the way I do?  
  
What if he wants it back like it was, him being oblivious and me eating my heart out for him.  
  
If I called him, told him I want him, that he's all I want, forever, what would he say? Would he tell me to get over there, or would he hang up, after yelling at me? Even worse, would he just hang up and not say anything?  
  
But if I don't call him, how am I ever going to break out of this goddamned holding pattern?  
  
Why can't one of these things be easy? Just to be able to decide, to say, "I'll do that." That's all I want. Why can't that be easy?  
  
Why can't there be one easy thing about this whole fucking mess?  
  
Whoever the genius was who said love wasn't easy had a point.  
  
Maybe I'll call him tomorrow.  
  
FINIS  
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End file.
